Think back before you relapse

I've been sitting here trying to think of something positive to write. It's hard cause my life kind of sucks right now. I am constantly worrying about how I can get extra money to pay the rent, utilities, get gas and food. So I've been putting this off because I thought ...what kind of recovering alcoholic/ addict blogs about sobriety when they keep thinking about maybe, possibly just having a little drink. Then I thought, the kind of recovering addict who is scared she is going to relapse.I am getting more and more depressed about what life has handed me. I hate that other people can go out, have a few drinks and have fun. I find my self thinking that I seemed to have more when I was drinking and drugging. I had more friends visiting and I visited more people.

Then after a good cry I realized I wasn't really having fun, I was covering up my pain. I didn't have friends that cared about me and wanted to be with me. They were hiding their own pain and avoiding being alone too. Not one of those "friends" have tried to make contact with me after I became sober. But...maybe that's good.

I'm realizing now that things weren't better then and I the only reason I was able to have a roof over my head and eat, drink and be marry is because I used people. I stole things to get money for all the things I "barely" had. So as I sat here and tried to write something interesting I realized a few things.

1) I have to work for the "good" things I want just like I worked for the bad things I had. Only by not stealing or conning. Honestly.
2) I have to open up to more people and make more "safe' friends. That way I can get help or advise. I wouldn't give up so easily.
3)I need to stay in touch with other recovering alcoholics/drug addicts because we can help keep each other strong.

I'm not much of a writer and I don't know how to phrase things right but I know that everything I wrote here is truth. I don't want to admit to feeling like I want to use but Writing about it made me KNOW I don't ever want to go down that road again.

Stay sober, stay strong!